On His Plan For Your Mate

Everyone longs to give himself completely to someone: to have a deep soul relationship with another; to be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But, God to a Christian says, no, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled, and content with being loved by Me, alone. With giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me. To having an intensely personal and unique relationship with Me, alone. Discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, will you be capable of the perfect human relationship that I plan for you.

You will never be united with another until you are united with Me, really united with another, exclusive of anyone, or anything else, exclusive of any other desires or longings. I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing...one that you cannot imagine.

I want you to have the best, please allow Me to bring it to you. Just keep watching Me...expecting the greatest things. Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I Am. And keep listening and learning the things I tell you.

You just wait, that's all...wait. Don't be anxious, don't worry, don't look around at the things that others have gotten or I have given them. Don't look at the things you think you want. Just keep on looking off and away to Me, or you will miss what I want to show you. And then, when you are ready , I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than anything you would dream of.

You see, until you are ready and until the one I have for you is ready, and I am working even at this moment to have both of you ready at the same time. Until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me and the life I prepare for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me. And this is perfect love. And, dear one, I want you to have the most wonderful love.

I want to see in you, in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me. And I want you to enjoy materially, the everlasting union and beauty and perfection and love that I offer you with Myself. I know that I love you utterly. I am El Shaddai-most loving Father, God Almighty. Believe it and be satisfied and I will satisfy you.

Author unknown

Allow me to introduce you to Mr. Utah

Awaking this morning was a bit tricky. Unlike most mornings when I lay awake not wanting to get out of bed because I don’t want to deal with the annoying requests that are barreled at me from my office; this time was a bit different. Anxiety, restlessness and a cold were impairing my judgment and played with my thoughts associating with leaving California this hot and humid day. What is it that is dragging me to Utah? Was it me and my wide eyed, optimistic approach with the idea that God had bestowed on my heart to reach out and just “go with it” or was it utterly, completely me. Ugg! That’s what I fear the most. Me.Me.Me. I want to be wanted, I thought he was hott I think this is going to work…I don’t know what is really going on and that scares me. Just like I told him last night I like knowing things. And not knowing things scares the shitt out of me.

So did I tell you that I’m sick? Yeah, I feel like shitt and this whole trying to look sexy and cute at the same time isnt working for me. I’m coughing and my nose is dripping…and you know how you feel when your sick. Nothing looks good on you or nothing seems to matter. Well people that’s me. I’m really happy, excited and looking forward to this weekend, but being sick and the greatest gift of all that Aunt Flow brought to me wraped up in a bow came 3 days ago just totally completes my trip to Utah. What’s next?

Keith has been nothing but nice to me this whole entire time. I really like him. Like really like him. He is so sweet and calm and just an all around great guy. He treats me like a princess and has managed to keep my attention. Not like I need to be constantly entertained, I really need a guy that will be attentive to me and my needs. That kinda sounds a bit selfish on my part, narcissistic. But damn it, I really need to be thinking of myself for now on. I’m always thinking about the guys in my life. How can I make them like me more, how can I show them that I really like them. Buy them things, call them 5times a day…give them me. All of me. Until I’m no where to be found in the relationship. I get lost and so fixated on the guy in my life. I’m so over that phase and I’m going to start really thinking about what I want for my overall life. Everything in my life that is important to me.

I told Keith that I have a list of things that I’m looking for in a guy. I said something like I have 45 qualities that I look for in an ideal boyfriend. He gasps and was like that is ridiculous. No one could pass that. And yeah he might think I’m crazy…but I’m just ready for the ONE. But am I ready for the One??

My New Boyfriend

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/f4f25d3405

Exhale

Life is crazy sometimes, but for me and my somewhat reality based television show of a life it’s like a drama fest 24/7. I’ve been thinking about this for a while, and how do I even start describing to my readers what I’ve gone through, felt, discovered, appreciated, related to, and lived for the past month. So I’m not going to think about it anymore and just write.

He is gone. Literally, he left the state for College. He got a 2 year full ride scholarship to a school and is somewhere over the rainbow. I’m ok. I’m at peace. I feel fine. Well my physiologist told me that I should say these things to better equipped my mind at reacting to anxiety. So again I repeat. I’m ok. I’m at peace. I feel fine.

But honestly I haven’t felt better in about 1 year and yeah it sucks to lose the love of your life, but if I feel this good with him out of my life imagine how I was feeling with him in my life. Although I might have looked happy from the outside, I was like a crack feign deliberately killing myself at any expense. He didn’t make the cut; he wasn’t fully making me happy. And what are we all here on this earth to do but to be happy. At this time in my life I cannot afford to have a part time boyfriend. Someone that makes me incredibly happy when I’m with him, but then I have to turn into the incredible hulk and pressure him to call me every night. Enough was enough so I let him go. He wasn’t mine to begin with he was and still belongs to God, and just like I always say maybe he will be returned to me a better man.

I’m not saying that I’m over him, but just over the bullshitt.

Domingo

Lazy Sunday.

I love today. I'm in Hemet at my parents house and it's been a pretty decent day. I've cleaned up allot and got my life kinda back in order. Love it when it feels like things are finally coming into place. I think I'm going to stay with my parents for a while, pay off debts, save money and then apply to Howard University in November. I have a few test to take, get letters of recommendation and send out my transcripts but I can do that... whoo yoo! I'm so excited that I feel at peace with my overall decisions in my life. Had the "beach talk" and feel so so so good about it. Love is amazing and my friends have showered me with amazing love these past weeks...I'm so freakin Blessed to have these people in my life. Thank you God for bestowing upon me my own little angels. They have lifted me up and brought me closer to you in the process.

I'm watching the Hills and it is so funny. This show is addicting..it's like crack! I can also relate in so many ways. I can only imagine if a camera followed me around every single day of my life!

Anyways...enjoy your day! Much love!

08-16-08

So I sit here confused a little bit more. I thought it was over, we quietly shut the door.

The pain was slowly separating itself from my mind, and like clock work you steeped back in line.

Did God speak to you in the past couple days, was it him that spoke softly to your mind as you lay?

Are you steeping up finally, my leader will rise...or are you afraid and alone and need me by your side?

What is it just tell me I don't want to wait, why is it that I must go up there and pretend its a date?

Will you hold me, and kiss me and tell me you were wrong...wrong about everything wrong along.

Or will you look at me and tell me goodbye in a nice way, the way that will hurt me each and everyday.

I thought it was over, done, poof be gone...but hopeful that love, and God have a bond.

Birth of a baby

I've been having these dreams recently about babies. In one of them I was pregnant, the other I was giving birth, and most recently I've actually held my little brown baby in my arms..holding her little body against mine. In all of the dreams I didn't feel scared, I didn't cry or scream. I was just in awww..of this miracle and was conscious of this little thing changing my whole world. As I awake I touch my belly praying to God that it's not true, that I'm not pregnant and that it was all a dream.
Curious to see what my dreams mean, and what God has been telling me as I'm asleep. I search online to see what having a baby meant. (usually represents a new beginning or a new creation in your life. It is generally very positive and indicates growth in your life!) Exciting stuff I must say, I'm all about new creations and new beginnings. But I must also say that with change comes hurt, frustration, disappointment and sadness.
Allot of Change has happen to me in the past week, and I'm scared. I felt as if I have been left open, vulnerable for the taking. But then something inside of me remembered and resulted back to my many dreams and I'm now feeling a bit better. I have to understand that God gives us all of our great possessions in life, and when he wants them back we have to be willing to let go. Maybe he wants to take them away from us to fix them, heal them make them better for you; or maybe he wants them out of your life all together. Whatever it may be we have to be willing to let go of things that weren't ours to begin with. God will provide he always does.
My head has been filled with so many thoughts over the past year. I've been through my deepest fear, lived to tell the story and I'm still a work in progress. Reaching out to God for help, understanding and encouragement. With the wisdom, support and love form my friends I'm taking the next steps forward in my life. Living in the present and not concentrating on what I don't have, and appreciating what I do have.
It's hard to start new again...but I feel refreshed like a Monday morning..the begging of the week, like a new born baby seeing light for the very first time. Like a little puppy embarking on a new toy that it just discovered; and as a strong willed women walking along side her best friend that has been there for her since day 1.

Broken

I finally did what I think I was suppose to do, something that had been in the back of my mind for months. I thought that when it happened everything would be better, a few tears but I wouldn't look back with regret or disappointment. I thought that I would feel this burden lifted off my shoulders, heart..something holding my down un-allowing me to reach my potential..but it was the complete opposite.

Love is so strong and real-true love is the strongest emotion I can even imagine. I'm hurt, afraid, and standing still un-able to move afraid that if I do you will walk away forever. i wish I could take back my words, my demeanor the way I said it...and just hug, love and kiss you like before. But instead you held open the door for me and said you'll call me lata.

It's Later and still no call, please forgive me and lets just Be..You and ME.

I'm Broken.

TGIF

So It's Friday! and It's Payday..and I got to wear flip flops today...and my company won free Burritos...it's like one of the best days ever! It was so nice outside so that's a bummer that I have to stay on my butt in my office...but at least I have an office and a huge window.

Sophia (the intern) Last day was yesterday...it was very sad, but we ate dinner together..yummy Thia food and talk and talked about work, life and boys!

ugg! I have a list of things to do after work:

1. Post Office..mail checks!
2. Sallys: Root Stimulator (growing my hair long...trying to)
3. GNC: vitamins
4. TJmax: House warming Party
5. Platos Closet (summer dresses)

So looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow!!!

Fried Chicken and Interns

So Today I hosted an Intern Lunch at work. I had people bring their favorite foods to share and I brought the blanket and the chicken of course...ohh and this delicious fruit tart from Major Market in Escondido(I def recommend it to everyone). My best Friends from Work came along for the picnic and I have to tell you I haven't felt so blessed in a long time. I looked around at the blanket and saw the smiley, happy faces of all of the girls that i love and care about at work. How many of you can say that you would die..or kill for a co-worker?!? i love them with all of my heart, and couldn't imagine sharing fried chicken with any other girls.

Candle light Party

So my friend Sara..Best Friend to be exact had a Candle Light Party at her casa last night. Sara never does these things, but her mom kinda forced it on her. Anyways I was there, Sonsie Chelsea and a few others where there eating potato tacos and smelling the shit outta some candles. I didn't end up buying any (Thank Goodness) kinda need a place to live before buying candle's!! ugg! Why do people get involved in these home parties?

MM

I think we all should start our Monday Mornings with hope, love and the value of Friendship...and a little Whitney Houston. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=adYbFQFXG0U