Awaking this morning was a bit tricky. Unlike most mornings when I lay awake not wanting to get out of bed because I don’t want to deal with the annoying requests that are barreled at me from my office; this time was a bit different. Anxiety, restlessness and a cold were impairing my judgment and played with my thoughts associating with leaving California this hot and humid day. What is it that is dragging me to Utah? Was it me and my wide eyed, optimistic approach with the idea that God had bestowed on my heart to reach out and just “go with it” or was it utterly, completely me. Ugg! That’s what I fear the most. Me.Me.Me. I want to be wanted, I thought he was hott I think this is going to work…I don’t know what is really going on and that scares me. Just like I told him last night I like knowing things. And not knowing things scares the shitt out of me.
So did I tell you that I’m sick? Yeah, I feel like shitt and this whole trying to look sexy and cute at the same time isnt working for me. I’m coughing and my nose is dripping…and you know how you feel when your sick. Nothing looks good on you or nothing seems to matter. Well people that’s me. I’m really happy, excited and looking forward to this weekend, but being sick and the greatest gift of all that Aunt Flow brought to me wraped up in a bow came 3 days ago just totally completes my trip to Utah. What’s next?
Keith has been nothing but nice to me this whole entire time. I really like him. Like really like him. He is so sweet and calm and just an all around great guy. He treats me like a princess and has managed to keep my attention. Not like I need to be constantly entertained, I really need a guy that will be attentive to me and my needs. That kinda sounds a bit selfish on my part, narcissistic. But damn it, I really need to be thinking of myself for now on. I’m always thinking about the guys in my life. How can I make them like me more, how can I show them that I really like them. Buy them things, call them 5times a day…give them me. All of me. Until I’m no where to be found in the relationship. I get lost and so fixated on the guy in my life. I’m so over that phase and I’m going to start really thinking about what I want for my overall life. Everything in my life that is important to me.
I told Keith that I have a list of things that I’m looking for in a guy. I said something like I have 45 qualities that I look for in an ideal boyfriend. He gasps and was like that is ridiculous. No one could pass that. And yeah he might think I’m crazy…but I’m just ready for the ONE. But am I ready for the One??
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