Naturally happy, naturally me

2009 has arrived and February has sprung out of nowhere, and this sneaky suspicious birthday is starring me down from 13 days away. This year has given me a great sense of starting over, and great sense of who I’m destined to be. I received a Christmas present last year and on the card a note said: 2009 is your Year...Don’t you forget it! So I awake with that notion and jump to action.



My new duplex in Mission Hills is a beauty. Gorgeous hard wood floors, surrounded by crown molding, beautiful bright windows decorated around lush green landscape. Flowers surround a vine that heads up towards the stairs and the view is one of a kind. I’m really enjoying my time and getting along with my roommates. The commute is only 30mins away from my office, so the drive brings on new ideas, songs and sights to get distracted by.


My journey for natural happiness sparks the new chapter in my life and how I’m embarking on my challenge to have natural beautiful, full of life and curls hair. I’ve switched to all natural products and stopped utilizing heat. I love to deep condition my hair, and have a strong love obsession with Henna! My hair is a part of me that I’m now taking pride in and cannot wait until it grows out and holds the fro that I’ve always admired.


School is actually going by fast and with great regards to my learning. I’m absorbing so much information that I’m having a blast in class. I’m taking 4 and ½ classes. The half class is a rehearsal performance class for modern 3. I have all A’s and I’m so on track with my goal to achieve a 4.0 gpa.
My friends have transcended this year into the loves of my life. I have such great true believers in me friends that I feel blessed every day. I’m really trying to schedule time with them at least 4times a month where we just get together laugh, eat and enjoy each other’s company.



My relationship with God has grown and increased my vision of my own life. I’ve really learned to Trust him and LET IT GO! He knows that my intentions are from the heart and are pure, but all he needs me to do is obey him.
This year I pray that I love the person God made me to be. I pray this year that I will lift myself up in love and learn to accept and celebrate who I’ am and where I’ am. Rather than Bemoan my present circumstances I want to learn and rejoice anyhow. I want to love my body more and make it better. I want to continue to be cautious about my finances, but not let them control my spirit. I want to gain a stronger relationship with God and myself rather than sulk about the lack of a love life. I want to lose control and trust God to lead me. I want to learn more about love and faith and accept that neither has to do with me being in control. This Year I’ am going to be ME!

On His Plan For Your Mate

Everyone longs to give himself completely to someone: to have a deep soul relationship with another; to be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But, God to a Christian says, no, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled, and content with being loved by Me, alone. With giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me. To having an intensely personal and unique relationship with Me, alone. Discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, will you be capable of the perfect human relationship that I plan for you.

You will never be united with another until you are united with Me, really united with another, exclusive of anyone, or anything else, exclusive of any other desires or longings. I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing...one that you cannot imagine.

I want you to have the best, please allow Me to bring it to you. Just keep watching Me...expecting the greatest things. Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I Am. And keep listening and learning the things I tell you.

You just wait, that's all...wait. Don't be anxious, don't worry, don't look around at the things that others have gotten or I have given them. Don't look at the things you think you want. Just keep on looking off and away to Me, or you will miss what I want to show you. And then, when you are ready , I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than anything you would dream of.

You see, until you are ready and until the one I have for you is ready, and I am working even at this moment to have both of you ready at the same time. Until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me and the life I prepare for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me. And this is perfect love. And, dear one, I want you to have the most wonderful love.

I want to see in you, in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me. And I want you to enjoy materially, the everlasting union and beauty and perfection and love that I offer you with Myself. I know that I love you utterly. I am El Shaddai-most loving Father, God Almighty. Believe it and be satisfied and I will satisfy you.

Author unknown

Allow me to introduce you to Mr. Utah

Awaking this morning was a bit tricky. Unlike most mornings when I lay awake not wanting to get out of bed because I don’t want to deal with the annoying requests that are barreled at me from my office; this time was a bit different. Anxiety, restlessness and a cold were impairing my judgment and played with my thoughts associating with leaving California this hot and humid day. What is it that is dragging me to Utah? Was it me and my wide eyed, optimistic approach with the idea that God had bestowed on my heart to reach out and just “go with it” or was it utterly, completely me. Ugg! That’s what I fear the most. Me.Me.Me. I want to be wanted, I thought he was hott I think this is going to work…I don’t know what is really going on and that scares me. Just like I told him last night I like knowing things. And not knowing things scares the shitt out of me.

So did I tell you that I’m sick? Yeah, I feel like shitt and this whole trying to look sexy and cute at the same time isnt working for me. I’m coughing and my nose is dripping…and you know how you feel when your sick. Nothing looks good on you or nothing seems to matter. Well people that’s me. I’m really happy, excited and looking forward to this weekend, but being sick and the greatest gift of all that Aunt Flow brought to me wraped up in a bow came 3 days ago just totally completes my trip to Utah. What’s next?

Keith has been nothing but nice to me this whole entire time. I really like him. Like really like him. He is so sweet and calm and just an all around great guy. He treats me like a princess and has managed to keep my attention. Not like I need to be constantly entertained, I really need a guy that will be attentive to me and my needs. That kinda sounds a bit selfish on my part, narcissistic. But damn it, I really need to be thinking of myself for now on. I’m always thinking about the guys in my life. How can I make them like me more, how can I show them that I really like them. Buy them things, call them 5times a day…give them me. All of me. Until I’m no where to be found in the relationship. I get lost and so fixated on the guy in my life. I’m so over that phase and I’m going to start really thinking about what I want for my overall life. Everything in my life that is important to me.

I told Keith that I have a list of things that I’m looking for in a guy. I said something like I have 45 qualities that I look for in an ideal boyfriend. He gasps and was like that is ridiculous. No one could pass that. And yeah he might think I’m crazy…but I’m just ready for the ONE. But am I ready for the One??

My New Boyfriend

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/f4f25d3405

Exhale

Life is crazy sometimes, but for me and my somewhat reality based television show of a life it’s like a drama fest 24/7. I’ve been thinking about this for a while, and how do I even start describing to my readers what I’ve gone through, felt, discovered, appreciated, related to, and lived for the past month. So I’m not going to think about it anymore and just write.

He is gone. Literally, he left the state for College. He got a 2 year full ride scholarship to a school and is somewhere over the rainbow. I’m ok. I’m at peace. I feel fine. Well my physiologist told me that I should say these things to better equipped my mind at reacting to anxiety. So again I repeat. I’m ok. I’m at peace. I feel fine.

But honestly I haven’t felt better in about 1 year and yeah it sucks to lose the love of your life, but if I feel this good with him out of my life imagine how I was feeling with him in my life. Although I might have looked happy from the outside, I was like a crack feign deliberately killing myself at any expense. He didn’t make the cut; he wasn’t fully making me happy. And what are we all here on this earth to do but to be happy. At this time in my life I cannot afford to have a part time boyfriend. Someone that makes me incredibly happy when I’m with him, but then I have to turn into the incredible hulk and pressure him to call me every night. Enough was enough so I let him go. He wasn’t mine to begin with he was and still belongs to God, and just like I always say maybe he will be returned to me a better man.

I’m not saying that I’m over him, but just over the bullshitt.

Domingo

Lazy Sunday.

I love today. I'm in Hemet at my parents house and it's been a pretty decent day. I've cleaned up allot and got my life kinda back in order. Love it when it feels like things are finally coming into place. I think I'm going to stay with my parents for a while, pay off debts, save money and then apply to Howard University in November. I have a few test to take, get letters of recommendation and send out my transcripts but I can do that... whoo yoo! I'm so excited that I feel at peace with my overall decisions in my life. Had the "beach talk" and feel so so so good about it. Love is amazing and my friends have showered me with amazing love these past weeks...I'm so freakin Blessed to have these people in my life. Thank you God for bestowing upon me my own little angels. They have lifted me up and brought me closer to you in the process.

I'm watching the Hills and it is so funny. This show is addicting..it's like crack! I can also relate in so many ways. I can only imagine if a camera followed me around every single day of my life!

Anyways...enjoy your day! Much love!

08-16-08

So I sit here confused a little bit more. I thought it was over, we quietly shut the door.

The pain was slowly separating itself from my mind, and like clock work you steeped back in line.

Did God speak to you in the past couple days, was it him that spoke softly to your mind as you lay?

Are you steeping up finally, my leader will rise...or are you afraid and alone and need me by your side?

What is it just tell me I don't want to wait, why is it that I must go up there and pretend its a date?

Will you hold me, and kiss me and tell me you were wrong...wrong about everything wrong along.

Or will you look at me and tell me goodbye in a nice way, the way that will hurt me each and everyday.

I thought it was over, done, poof be gone...but hopeful that love, and God have a bond.